Currently Listening Breathe (2 A.M.) By Anna Nalick see related

My Future?

I am not an overly superstitious person, but I do believe that every single superstitious thing has a basis of truth. Therefore, I have been signed up to get my horoscope every day via email through tarot.com. I really enjoy reading them, espically if the day is over, to see if I followed it's suggestions, or if what it predicted really happened. For special occasions, the website gives you freebies... in this case, for the summer solstice, they gave me a free, online, 11-card, celtic cross reading. I don't know wether or not it is accurate, because it is online, however, I am going to share what I chose with you, and then in a second list, what I believe each card to mean for me. If you don't want to read the second paragraph, and just comprehend what each card might mean in your eyes... feel free, however, to read my input on it, and tell me if you agree. I know that some of you might not know my entire life... but those of you who know most of it through this, should be able to comprehend my mind.

My Topic: Finding Love (yeah, yeah, I know, cliche)

Self: The Devil                                           

Situation: Three of Cups  

Challenges/Opportunities: Nine of Coins

Foundation: Six of Coins 

Recent Past: Death

Higher Power: Five of Cups

Near Future: High Preistess

Blocks & Inhibitions: Knight of Cups

Allies: Knight of Wands

Advice: Ten of Coins

Long-Term Potential: Five of Swords

My Opinions: (these are in the order: Self, Situation, Challenges/Opportunities, Foundation, Recent Past, Higher Power, Near Future, Blocks&Inhibitions, Allies, Advice, Long-Term Potential.)

Michelle,

        Let your whole self show, others are going to cling to you like magnets when you take off the mask. Remember to work with others to accomplish amazing things, don't try and play a lone hand. Improve yourself, body, mind and soul, and it will allow you to be ready for whatever life throws at you. Help others accomplish their goals, once upon a time they helped you out, it is time to return the favor. Move on from your past experiences, they are not your present or your future, so let him go. Work toward your dreams with more enthusiasm and drive than ever before, there are no such things as setbacks. Find some "me" time to just be yourself, and concentrate on relaxing, you are too high-strung at present. Stop hiding, anyone who judges who you really are is shit. Find a friend who will prepare you for the world, getting to know them will give you more strength than before. Remember who you were in the past, although you may be different now, take the good charaistics of past and present You and combine them for a powerhouse future. Finally, decide if what you are fighting for is worth the wait and turmoil you might endure to obtain it.

That is it. I don't know if I buy into it or if it is a load of crap, but it is my future.

My Demon

One of my favorite sayings is "Everyone has their own demons." I would love to claim it as my own, because I say it so often, but I would like to share one of my demons with you all. Infact, I think you have heard his name before. Mike. I am in love with that boy. Don't try and tell me I am not, because I am. I love him, but he tests me so much. Obviously he broke up with me, but I miss him. It isn't like before. When I would break up with him every other week. Or even when he broke up with me in the spring last year. This is different. He broke up with me about five weeks ago. I can't stop thinking of him. I know he still has feelings for me too. I think he is just scared. Either that or he feels trapped or something... I just, I am so depressed. No, I am not cutting myself or doing drugs or alcohol (although I drank half a cup of red wine at christmas). He is amazing, and he won't let me tell him that or show him that. And he won't show the rest of the world that. My God if I had any clue that he would make me feel like this I would have, well I guess I wouldn't have changed anything.

I think I am going insane.

Not much to say today... tomorow is the last day before winter break, yay! I am totally behind in all of my classes because of mono, so that kinda sucks knowing I have to study over break... Mike has agreed to talk to me tomorow in a civilized manner... I also agreed to go to two parties and my mom is only allowing me to go to one... and I suppose it will be fun, but I am kinda upset I have to miss the other one... but it is for the better anyways, there will be less drama if I am not there. I haven't hung out with my friends in forever also, so that will be a good thing. I just don't know... sometimes I wish I had a different life, I mean, who doesen't? I am just so tired nowadays. I want to sleep all the time because I have mono, but I also want to hang out with my friends and stay in the loop. I am just really happy that after tomorow, maybe, just maybe, Mike will be my friend again. I know that he is like a toxic chemical to me, but I would rather suffer silently than not to have him in my life at all. And all this revenge stuff, it is so childish and I am very ashamed that I have been acting as such. I want the musical to start. Although I have no part, I just need to be on stage, I know that is where I truly belong... I miss performing so much. But it isn't a sutiable job for me, so therefore I will go into Psychology... Life sucks sometimes.

So here's to new love, and old feelings. To writing in cursive just for fun. And here's to you for keeping me sane, and for giving me yellow dasies in the rain.